The Burglar

          A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

          He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

          He again heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

          This time he shinned his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked “Did you say that?”

          The parrot said, “I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all.”

          The burglar asked, “Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?”

          “Moses.”

          “Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot ‘Moses’?”

          The bird answered, “I don’t know, I guess the same folks who would name a German Shepherd ‘Jesus’.”

Flower Salesman

The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, “How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?”

          “Haven’t got a wife,” responded the businessman gruffly.

          “Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?” proposed the vendor without missing a beat.

          “Haven’t got a girlfriend.”

          “You lucky guy!” the vendor broke into a big smile. “Buy both to celebrate!"

Birds and Bees

Little Tom’s father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, “Okay, Tom, once there was a big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?”

          Tom replied, “It has two.”

          Little Tom’s father then asked, “How many eyes does the rooster have?”

          Tom replied, “It has two.”

          Little Tom’s father then asked, “Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?”

          Tom replied, “It has two, daddy.”

          So then Little Tom’s daddy said, “Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?”

          Little Tom scratched his head and replied, “I don’t know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?”

          Little Tom’s daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, “Alright boy, how come you know so much about a big black cock and so little about white pussy?”

Please Don’t Wear

Little Tom comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating, “Tom seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Tom about this.”

                So Tom’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
                “First, Tom, I want you to take off my blouse…”
                So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
                “Okay, now take off my skirt…” he takes off her skirt.
                “Now take off my bra…” which he does.
                “And now, Tom, please take off my panties.” 

And when Little Tom finishes removing those, she says, “Tom, PLEASE don’t ever wear any of my clothes to school anymore!”

What's for Dinner?

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she does not reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping vegetables, he says "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"